Tiger Woods was supposed to make a statement today. I have not read about it yet but, my guess is that his statement will be very similar to that of every other famous cheating husband – lots of tears, hand-holding, and sad faces – pretty much a giant joke. What Tiger should have done is give Kenny Powers a call prior to his press conference to get tips on what to say. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Kenny Powers, he is the main character from HBO’s hit series “Eastbound & Down.” Lucky for us, they have spoken, and IG got access.
Tiger: Where did I go wrong, Kenny?
Kenny: Sometimes when your bring the thunder, you get the storm.
Tiger: I guess but, I just feel like giving up.
Kenny: But, a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.
Tiger: Yeah you’re probably right. I just got real down on myself while I was in sex rehab.
Kenny: Shit, you can die from that?
Tiger: No, but it’s just wrong to have that much sex.
Kenny: You know what? I can already tell that I don’t like you.
Tiger: Well, how did you act when the world was against you?
Kenny: Undaunted. I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball, I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.
Tiger: Wow! You’re Tough.
Kenny: Fuck man, I’m a bulletproof tiger, dude!
Tiger: I wish I was……..Hello, Hello?….
Kenny had hung up.
After hearing this, we do not recommend that Tiger take any advice from Kenny. In fact, it’s quite possible that Kenny is totally blasted on coke.
This is not a real interview. All KP quotes are taken directly from EB&D.